


A Real Bad Trip

by Femalefonzie



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Attempt at Humor, But a slightly more competent Idiot, Don’t take it seriously, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Is it actually funny though?, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Enter the Florpus, Purple is an Idiot, Red is also an Idiot, Zim is mentioned but never actually appears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 19:16:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20431079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Femalefonzie/pseuds/Femalefonzie
Summary: Zim is alive. Rather than face the possible problems that come with that head on, Almighty Tallest Red decides to do something a little extreme in order to relax.Or; After finding out that Zim is alive, Red gets high on alien drugs and makes the mistake of leaving Purple in charge.





	A Real Bad Trip

**Author's Note:**

> I love Red. Always loved Red. He has been my favourite character since I started watching the show, largely in part to his voice actor being a favourite of mine. As much as I liked Enter the Florpus, I didn’t like how out of character Red was when dealing with the threat. We saw that he is a capable leader after Backseat Drivers From Beyond the Stars so what happened?
> 
> Well my headcanon is that after seeing that Zim was still alive, Red was unable to deal and got really, really high, with the expectation that he would come down before anything too dangerous happened or that Purple could handle it. He was mistaken, Purple let his stoned buddy give orders, bing bang boom they’re stuck in the Florpus Hole! 
> 
> Do not take this seriously.

Red disappeared from the bridge shortly after Zim cut his transmission to the massive. Admittedly at first Purple didn’t notice. He had never been very observant and with his mind focused entirely on the soul crushing reality that Zim was still alive, the absenteeism of his co-tallest went unnoticed for nearly hour. It wasn’t until one of their service drones asked if Red was going to be coming back soon that Purple excused himself to go search for the missing Irkan. It didn’t take long. Red was a creature of habit, always had been, and having spent the majority of their lives together Purple had learned his routines and rituals. He found Red in the other Irkan’s personal chambers rooting around through boxes of spoils from conquered worlds. 

“What are you doing?” Purple asked though he already knew what Red was doing. Red was looking for something and Purple had a fairly good idea of what it would be. His fears were confirmed when after a minute Red sat up, triumphantly clutching a plastic bag. Inside something aqua in colour and slimey looking sloshed around. 

“I need to relax Pur, just for a second.” Red explained. “I can’t deal with this Zim bullshit again.” 

“What’s that?” Purple asked. It looked gross whatever it was. Sticky and translucent, he just couldn’t understand the appeal of it or where Red would get the idea that the substance would be enough to get him to relax. 

“Chemical 4-2-0-1. Designed by Vort scientists before their planet was conquered. Originally intended for medicinal purposes, it became outlawed on Vort after it became clear that the drug had...unexpected side effects.”

“Like what?”

“Minor hallucinations mostly. Increased hunger, a feeling of lightness, you know, typical drug stuff.” Purple didn’t know. He had been trained as an elite soldier with the possibility of becoming an invader before ascending to the rank of tallest, and quite frankly he wasn’t sure how he even made it that far. Favouritism, he supposed, seeing as he scored one of the lower test marks in Irkan history but was roughly 5’9 (and still growing) when he went in to complete the exam. Red had been stationed as a scientist. He spent time on Vort before transferring to the Elite Soldiers for more on the ground training. He knew Vort, he knew how their people worked, Hell it had been Red’s idea to implement his favourite Vortian snacks to Foodcourtia, so it was a clear and obvious fact that Red knew more about the conquered planet than his companion. Including the illegal stuff and where he could get it. Red opened the bag and a sickeningly sweet scent wafted out. It reminded Purple of cupcake batter. “The vortians used it recreationally until Irk seized the planet and cut off the manufacturers.”

“Oh.” Purple really didn’t understand people sometimes. He watched as Red dipped a finger into the goo and licked it off. He was testing it. Seeing if it had expired since being stashed away where no one else would find it. Red licked his lips, catching any traces of the substance he missed, and nodded to himself. Still good or at least good enough. “And you’re going to....?”

“I just need to forget about Zim for a bit. You can handle the armada until then right?” Red would still be around on the bridge but he would be out of commission, so to speak; highly suggestible, a bit dazed, not able to think things through as rationally as he would have been able to at any other point in time. That meant Purple was going to have to be the one making the decisions and should a crisis arrive, he needed to be the one to declare his co-ruler unfit to make orders. But what were the odds of that happening? 

Purple crossed his arms in front of his chest and poured like a defiant child, “Of course I can! I am a tallest!” 

“Good.” That was enough for Red. He opened the bag up as far as it could go and poured the contents straight into his mouth. If he knew more about science-t stuff, Purple may have suggested not ingesting the entire bag but he assumed that his companion knew the risks. Red had never been one to put himself in unnecessary risk so whatever the right dosage was, Purple assumed Red was within those limits. The reportedly smarter of the two tossed the now empty bag onto his bed and flopped backwards beside it, “See you in a few hours.” 

~~~

In hindsight consuming an _entire_ bag of some black market drug from an alien world probably wasn’t the greatest idea Red had ever had. Neither had been his idea to leave the safety of his chambers and go wander around on the bridge where any unsuspecting officer could walk up to him and ask for guidance. Red’s memories of the hours leading up to him finally regaining his sobriety were fuzzy. He could remember arguing...with one of their pilots about....something? The flight path? They needed to turn soon if they were going to make it to Foodcourtia for a proper lunch break...was the foodending still going on though? Hopefully they didn’t set coarse with him so out of it. Purple always made such weird choices when it came to their flight routes. One day he insisted they fly backwards the entire time because ‘flying forward was so mainstream’. No...the pilots would never let him make such a stupid call. And wasn’t there something about one of their invaders? Didn’t it have to do with...Jim? No...Jim was on Welevan now...the planet with the great doughnuts....Tak? No. He hadn’t heard from Tak in...in years?

Why did his head hurt so much? The tallest groaned and rubbed his forehead. Was it hot in here? He felt heat increasing in his head. Red opened his eyes and realized that the most reasonable explanation for that was the fact that he was currently upside down over the control panel, the only thing keeping him from flying back into the viewing window being a loose cable that had wrapped around his foot. “Oh fuck....” Not the sort of thing one wanted to wake up to after spending a few hours on what was essentially an acid trip. He looked around. No one seemed to be dead, yet, but everyone looked a little worse for wear. Several officers had engaged their emergency hover-boots and were in the process of scaling down the side of the ship to reach the controls. Red managed to pull himself back up to the safety of the panel ledge just as something swept through the overturned massive like a wave. It looked like static. A wave of pure static that surged through them and shifted the landscape as it went. The world changed to black and white, flat and two-dimensional, and lingered there for about a minute or so before flickering back to normal. “What the fuck?!”

Something out of the corner of Red’s eye caught his attention. There, hanging off the back of one of their thrones and struggling to claw his way back up, was the other member of the Irkan royal family. “Purple?!” Red shouted over to him. To his relief the other Irkan lifted his head. Compared to some of the officers Purple didn’t look too dinged up, a couple scratches here and there but no broken bones and he was still alive. Red watched as his companion snagged onto the top of the throne and successfully pulled himself up to the makeshift perch. “Purple what’s happening?!”

One of the pilots made a risky leap for the control panel. As funny as it would have been to watch the tiny Irkan fall to his death, Red could practically feel another static wave upon them and rather then risk it, leaned across the panel to snag hold of the pilot’s arm and pull him up. The pilot murmured a quick thanks and set to work running diagnostics. Red did his best to stay out of the Pilot’s way but it was nearly impossible to give the little Irkan enough room to work without letting go completely. “Sirs! We have entered the Florpus Hole! Systems are currently working out plans to exit but they do not look good!” The pilot eventually declared. Another static wave hit and this time Red closed his eyes through it. He could feel his atoms, the particles of his very soul, being pulled around and shifted into something new, only to be yanked back to their original form. He kept his eyes closed until he was certain that the wave had passed. The tallest opened and turned his attention back towards his companion, still curled around his throne for dear life. 

“Florpus hole?!” Red repeated with a scream. How in the name of the Irkan empire did they manage to find and enter a _Florpus Hole _in the few hours he had been senseless?! This was a new low. Even for them. “_**Purple**_! I can’t leave you in charge for two minutes without something going wrong!”

“Don’t blame me! You’re the one who wanted to go trip balls instead of tending to the massive!” Purple shouted back. If Red had just been a responsible leader like he usually was they never would have been in this mess! 

“You said you could handle it!”

“You gave the order to go straight!”

“_I was high!_” Red exclaimed. He know longer cared if the bridge crew knew about his less than stellar activities. So what if he occasionally partook in a little drugs or alcohol or debauchery? If he got them out of this hellscape none of that would matter. To the credit of the crew of the massive, none of them truly cared or even gasped when Red’s supposed bombshell came out. They were too busy hanging on and praying to every known God in space that they make it out of this mess in one piece. Red had had enough. He tapped the pilot on the shoulder to catch his attention, “Move. I’m going to run a systems outcome check myself.” 

“Yes my Tallest!” The pilot responded with a salute. He engaged his hoverboots and was able to get a good foothold on the wall of the massive. He scrambled up to join the rest of his crew, content in the knowledge that something was finally being done about their predicament. 

Red shouted after him, “And while you’re up check for some of those Blochian tranquilizers. I can’t focus with Purple freaking out like this.” 

Purple didn’t know how to handle a crisis well. It was one of the things Red had been hoping he would pick up on the job. Anytime he was presented with a problem, no matter how slight, the other tallest would go right to stress eating and shouting gibberish, semi-violent remarks. This was no different other than the disappointing fact that there were no snacks in sight for Purple to distract himself with. With no other options presenting themselves, Purple took to insulting a certain invader instead, “When we get out of here I am going to kill Zim!”

“When we get out of here I am going to go on a week long bender of every drug and alcoholic beverage in the conquered galaxy.” Said Red. He meant it too. One gigantic week of nothing but shoving food and drinks down his throat until he went broke or ODed. It would make an interesting party to say the least.,lAnd I’m leaving the navigator in charge.”

Purple was not having it. He grabbed hold of the nearest floating object, which happened to be Red’s empty slushie cup from earlier, and hurled it straight at his head. It would have been a direct hit if gravity hadn’t taken its toll and carried the empty cup off to the other end of the ship. Weaponless, Purple used his words. “You drunk! You can’t do that! I’m the tallest!”

“Pur, look at where we are and say that to me again!”


End file.
